I had similar relationships and experiences with boys and girls growing up. I didn’t get along with girls when I was a young kid, and my best friends were boys. Until we grew a little older and boys realized I wasn’t one of them and I got stuck pretending to have fun with girls. Glad it’s over! Glad you’re figuring out who you are 💜🩵🤍🩷
This was such a rich exploration, thank you Arlo. The process of seeing self clearly has been a profoundly complex sorting process for me and others I've witnessed. A sorting through layers of cultural conditioning, generational trauma and the distortion of our own filtering mechanisms. And along the way, the pendulum can swing wildly between conformity or rebellion against every-evolving ideas of who we think we might or might not be. Your clarity about feeling the both/and of liberation from and betrayal of your conditioning rings with truth (and humility). 🩵🩷🤍✨
This is such a heartwarming comment to receive, thank you!
Your description of the 'complex sorting process' through 'cultural conditioning, generational trauma, and the distortion of our own filtering mechanisms' really struck a chord with me. I was just talking to my dad the other day about the big questions swirling in my head now versus what he considered at my age. I told him how, for many of us who are queer, we grapple with a unique set of existential questions. Our paths to who we are and want to become often carry that additional layer of ‘cultural conditioning’ and ‘generational trauma’ you so aptly put, which can certainly make the sorting process even more intricate. It's a journey, for sure, and your words about the 'both/and of liberation from and betrayal' perfectly capture that complexity.
I'm so glad what I had to say struck a chord, Arlo. Your words truly landed deeply for me, too. I often think about what unsung heroes queer folks truly are. Queroes so often carrying outsized burdens, breaking cycles, making things easier for those who come after. It's no small thing! Thanks for being one of those unsung heroes. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
I found so many parallels in your story. I grew up in a feminist household, my Mom went to law school when I was eight. And I was taught I could be anything I wanted. But inside, I didn't feel like a girl, or a boy, even though I gravitated to more "boy" things as a kid. But it was the 70's and 80's. So no language around any of my feelings. I'm turning 60 in the fall, and am happily grounded in my nonbinary queer self. And grateful that my parents loved me for me, even though there were definitely a lot of struggles. But in the end, here I am. And I'll keep being me so it helps those coming up behind me. Much love and thank you for sharing your story. Such power in it.
Wow, thank you for sharing! I am so happy to hear I'm not alone in navigating these feelings.
You hit on something so insightful about the paradox of the freedom our parents sometimes give us. It's almost like being thrown into the 'gender sea' without a map, especially when the prevailing message is that gender 'doesn't matter.' And it really doesn't, until it does. Until it starts to chafe. That's when their freedom, ironically, felt like a kind of unguidedness.
Anyway: I'm so happy to hear that despite those earlier struggles and lack of language, you've found your footing and are happily grounded in your nonbinary queer self at 60. Your commitment to 'keep being me so it helps those coming up behind me' is truly inspiring. Much love back to you, and thank you again for your incredibly validating comment :)
I had a similar experience - growing up as a tomboy and then losing male friends as I slowly realised they only wanted one thing from me, and it wasn't friendship. I even expressed at one point to a friend that I wished I was a boy, because it would be easier. In my case, I came to understand that I am comfortable in my womanhood and my female body, but my discomfort comes from the way our society behaves towards and thinks about women. Like you say: feminism that is forced upon us, not necessarily chosen.
Arlo, I love the way you talk about how one's past so greatly influences who one is today. I have aften written about how children do not realize that they have the power to believe or not to believe what they are told by the significant people in their lives. You have added to that for me, thank you. Fondldy, Michael
Hi Michael! I am glad the piece resonated with you :)
It’s funny how when we are older (I know i am still very young…) we spend then a lot of time deciding for ourselves what we do and don’t want to believe. That we now hold the power to hold some of these beliefs close and let go of others.
So true. I believe to be self actualized as an adult one needs to do triage. Do I believe it as an adult ― keep it. Do I no longer beliefve it as an adult ― get rid of it. Am I not sure what I think about it as an adult ― think about it, no pressure, and eventually decide. Lot of adults do not even realize to this adult day that they have to change what they believe!
I had similar relationships and experiences with boys and girls growing up. I didn’t get along with girls when I was a young kid, and my best friends were boys. Until we grew a little older and boys realized I wasn’t one of them and I got stuck pretending to have fun with girls. Glad it’s over! Glad you’re figuring out who you are 💜🩵🤍🩷
This was such a rich exploration, thank you Arlo. The process of seeing self clearly has been a profoundly complex sorting process for me and others I've witnessed. A sorting through layers of cultural conditioning, generational trauma and the distortion of our own filtering mechanisms. And along the way, the pendulum can swing wildly between conformity or rebellion against every-evolving ideas of who we think we might or might not be. Your clarity about feeling the both/and of liberation from and betrayal of your conditioning rings with truth (and humility). 🩵🩷🤍✨
This is such a heartwarming comment to receive, thank you!
Your description of the 'complex sorting process' through 'cultural conditioning, generational trauma, and the distortion of our own filtering mechanisms' really struck a chord with me. I was just talking to my dad the other day about the big questions swirling in my head now versus what he considered at my age. I told him how, for many of us who are queer, we grapple with a unique set of existential questions. Our paths to who we are and want to become often carry that additional layer of ‘cultural conditioning’ and ‘generational trauma’ you so aptly put, which can certainly make the sorting process even more intricate. It's a journey, for sure, and your words about the 'both/and of liberation from and betrayal' perfectly capture that complexity.
I'm so glad what I had to say struck a chord, Arlo. Your words truly landed deeply for me, too. I often think about what unsung heroes queer folks truly are. Queroes so often carrying outsized burdens, breaking cycles, making things easier for those who come after. It's no small thing! Thanks for being one of those unsung heroes. ❤️🔥❤️🔥❤️🔥
That first sentence! "the quiet drums of our upbringing" is WOW
I found so many parallels in your story. I grew up in a feminist household, my Mom went to law school when I was eight. And I was taught I could be anything I wanted. But inside, I didn't feel like a girl, or a boy, even though I gravitated to more "boy" things as a kid. But it was the 70's and 80's. So no language around any of my feelings. I'm turning 60 in the fall, and am happily grounded in my nonbinary queer self. And grateful that my parents loved me for me, even though there were definitely a lot of struggles. But in the end, here I am. And I'll keep being me so it helps those coming up behind me. Much love and thank you for sharing your story. Such power in it.
Wow, thank you for sharing! I am so happy to hear I'm not alone in navigating these feelings.
You hit on something so insightful about the paradox of the freedom our parents sometimes give us. It's almost like being thrown into the 'gender sea' without a map, especially when the prevailing message is that gender 'doesn't matter.' And it really doesn't, until it does. Until it starts to chafe. That's when their freedom, ironically, felt like a kind of unguidedness.
Anyway: I'm so happy to hear that despite those earlier struggles and lack of language, you've found your footing and are happily grounded in your nonbinary queer self at 60. Your commitment to 'keep being me so it helps those coming up behind me' is truly inspiring. Much love back to you, and thank you again for your incredibly validating comment :)
I had a similar experience - growing up as a tomboy and then losing male friends as I slowly realised they only wanted one thing from me, and it wasn't friendship. I even expressed at one point to a friend that I wished I was a boy, because it would be easier. In my case, I came to understand that I am comfortable in my womanhood and my female body, but my discomfort comes from the way our society behaves towards and thinks about women. Like you say: feminism that is forced upon us, not necessarily chosen.
Arlo, I love the way you talk about how one's past so greatly influences who one is today. I have aften written about how children do not realize that they have the power to believe or not to believe what they are told by the significant people in their lives. You have added to that for me, thank you. Fondldy, Michael
Hi Michael! I am glad the piece resonated with you :)
It’s funny how when we are older (I know i am still very young…) we spend then a lot of time deciding for ourselves what we do and don’t want to believe. That we now hold the power to hold some of these beliefs close and let go of others.
So true. I believe to be self actualized as an adult one needs to do triage. Do I believe it as an adult ― keep it. Do I no longer beliefve it as an adult ― get rid of it. Am I not sure what I think about it as an adult ― think about it, no pressure, and eventually decide. Lot of adults do not even realize to this adult day that they have to change what they believe!
A premise seems to be that we are clay to be molded and shaped by the environments into which we are cast by birth and/or upbringing. I get that. W
Hat I’m not seeing is homage to the clay, which has qualities of its own that interacts with the environment as it is acted on.