Precious Aris, so much to say. Is it not bizarre that so many PTSD survivors listen to True Crime Pods or Docs??? I have my theories.
I wonder if we’re listening for: “I would never do that”. Strategies for, “I am safe, and I can control my world; (delusions of grandeur).
I have told, written about my traumatic experiences, many times; to therapists, friends, groups. It helps. Those precious trauma girls are still with me, and have left their marks; made me who I am (sarcasm) NOT.
When my sister died, she came to me and said, “I was not only an addict. I was silly, I knew every Beatles song, I made the best pies (she did). All of my memories of her, the judgements, they had fallen away. She was coping, doing the best that she could. Like me.
I did ketamine therapy, (6 micro doses), and experienced different planes of consciousness. I could reached into each one. Not back in time. Not in the Past. Some planes were above, some below, this woman now, in the present moment. The one I call Me. Ketamine micro-therapy is a dissociative. Allowing the brain open and experience “The Matrix”. I know it exists.
And, I spent years in a Gurdjieff group. (A little culty. :-). We intellectually challenged each other, and took in the teachings. We named every experience “I”, and validated each with love. Remembered ourselves in the moment, and said “You are not “I”. This was before the ketamine, when I experienced it - subjective levels of myself as memories. They are still with me, less energy, no need to talk. Not today.
However, my body still feels the trauma. I thought I could intellectually heal myself. Disassociating from the experience. Still, this Body remembers. It will be healed in this life or possibly the next?
Sharing Trauma with others (that don’t try to relate to it with trite expressions), is useful, it spreads it out, therefore lessoning it?? At least on the level of Humanity.
However. Today, I just want to comfort that little precious boy, Aris. That’s all I can do.
Wow, this is so beautiful. Thank you for writing this! I have heard very positive things about ketamine treatments, and have had very positive experiences with it myself. I incorporate a lot of somatic practices into my self care to help release some of the trauma my body holds. I have had some insane yoga sessions where the deepest crack erupts from my bones and feels like something big is released and realigned! I have also had my fare share of deep-dives into true crime :) It's true that we all seem to grasp towards similar strategies - I guess that's one reason we tend to find each other in the world. I appreciate your time, and reading my piece, and writing this lovely response. May we continue to find healing <3
Thanks for sharing this insightful, resonant piece. Trauma (my own individual trauma + generational trauma + collective trauma) can feel like an anvil on top of me, and it's so important to construct a safe container to protect me from both sharing so much that I feel unsafe and from allowing in things that make me feel unsafe in some way (and by unsafe, I mean in a place of overwhelm that could drag me under). So tricky to discern where, with whom, and how to share. Well done, Aris.
Also, wanted to let you know that I grew up in western PA, too - a long time ago! Came out in as queer in 2001, then as trans in 2016. Western PA was not an easy place to grow up queer, at least not in my experience.
Thank you, I took can say me too, and have wanted to write about it. Ok to not be so detailed is a good direction. But we must NOT stay silent. Blessings, Di
This is powerful writing, Aris. Thank you for sharing this emotional process with us. I can say that for me it brought up things I would like to put to paper, but the path from heart to pen is a longer one that I would like. Thank you for the inspiration.
Thank you so much! It's definitely a particular type of yearning. I'm glad you connected with it so much <3 Although, I'm sad we hold so many painful things that long to be shared
Thank you for the lovely comment, Troy. I'm grappling with some things too that Aris's essay approaches, I love his declaration that it's OK not to share everything.
Precious Aris, so much to say. Is it not bizarre that so many PTSD survivors listen to True Crime Pods or Docs??? I have my theories.
I wonder if we’re listening for: “I would never do that”. Strategies for, “I am safe, and I can control my world; (delusions of grandeur).
I have told, written about my traumatic experiences, many times; to therapists, friends, groups. It helps. Those precious trauma girls are still with me, and have left their marks; made me who I am (sarcasm) NOT.
When my sister died, she came to me and said, “I was not only an addict. I was silly, I knew every Beatles song, I made the best pies (she did). All of my memories of her, the judgements, they had fallen away. She was coping, doing the best that she could. Like me.
I did ketamine therapy, (6 micro doses), and experienced different planes of consciousness. I could reached into each one. Not back in time. Not in the Past. Some planes were above, some below, this woman now, in the present moment. The one I call Me. Ketamine micro-therapy is a dissociative. Allowing the brain open and experience “The Matrix”. I know it exists.
And, I spent years in a Gurdjieff group. (A little culty. :-). We intellectually challenged each other, and took in the teachings. We named every experience “I”, and validated each with love. Remembered ourselves in the moment, and said “You are not “I”. This was before the ketamine, when I experienced it - subjective levels of myself as memories. They are still with me, less energy, no need to talk. Not today.
However, my body still feels the trauma. I thought I could intellectually heal myself. Disassociating from the experience. Still, this Body remembers. It will be healed in this life or possibly the next?
Sharing Trauma with others (that don’t try to relate to it with trite expressions), is useful, it spreads it out, therefore lessoning it?? At least on the level of Humanity.
However. Today, I just want to comfort that little precious boy, Aris. That’s all I can do.
Wow, this is so beautiful. Thank you for writing this! I have heard very positive things about ketamine treatments, and have had very positive experiences with it myself. I incorporate a lot of somatic practices into my self care to help release some of the trauma my body holds. I have had some insane yoga sessions where the deepest crack erupts from my bones and feels like something big is released and realigned! I have also had my fare share of deep-dives into true crime :) It's true that we all seem to grasp towards similar strategies - I guess that's one reason we tend to find each other in the world. I appreciate your time, and reading my piece, and writing this lovely response. May we continue to find healing <3
Thanks for sharing this insightful, resonant piece. Trauma (my own individual trauma + generational trauma + collective trauma) can feel like an anvil on top of me, and it's so important to construct a safe container to protect me from both sharing so much that I feel unsafe and from allowing in things that make me feel unsafe in some way (and by unsafe, I mean in a place of overwhelm that could drag me under). So tricky to discern where, with whom, and how to share. Well done, Aris.
Thank you so much for sharing that, Keith! 🙏
I appreciate this comment so much, thank you <3
Also, wanted to let you know that I grew up in western PA, too - a long time ago! Came out in as queer in 2001, then as trans in 2016. Western PA was not an easy place to grow up queer, at least not in my experience.
yes, I definitely prefer being in Pittsburgh than rural western PA as a trans person!
Thank you, I took can say me too, and have wanted to write about it. Ok to not be so detailed is a good direction. But we must NOT stay silent. Blessings, Di
I agree! It's a hard line to navigate between silence and saying the right amount. We do our best <3
Thanks for sharing, Di 💜
This is powerful writing, Aris. Thank you for sharing this emotional process with us. I can say that for me it brought up things I would like to put to paper, but the path from heart to pen is a longer one that I would like. Thank you for the inspiration.
Thank you so much! It's definitely a particular type of yearning. I'm glad you connected with it so much <3 Although, I'm sad we hold so many painful things that long to be shared
Thank you for the lovely comment, Troy. I'm grappling with some things too that Aris's essay approaches, I love his declaration that it's OK not to share everything.