Good to see your continuation of this column which is so helpful to so many!
I write this in answer to Tali Sarnetzky's question, which you so appropriately summarized as: "When pressed for explanations about her identity, what options might lead Tali to feel the greatest degrees of alignment with her sense of integrity, her sense of agency, her truth?" Thank you Tali for the question. And thank you Keith for your beautiful answer to maybe one of the most significant questions of the current times. And thank you Troy Ford for helping to facilitate this advice vehicle. And thank you all concerned for prompting me to set down in writing what I understand, think, and believe about this conundrum. As the king in the musical, "The King and I" would say, "Tis a puzzlement!"
Keith, you begin with "Our beloved rainbow is, alas, but a starting point and a symbol. Its limited color palette comes nowhere near representing the multiverse of queer identities. How can we possibly come up with words to convey the subtleties and brilliance of our light?"
I wonder if the increase in conversations about queer identity is due to an increased awareness, and/or an increased need to know based on trump and his minions's current reigniting of removing, retracting, erasing queer rights, also known as human rights, and our response which I call "The Rainbow Battles"?
In my day, I am now 81 years old, there existed gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transexuals, and transvestites. Perhaps the addition of new letters to the alphabet is a good sign that the awareness of our differences is growing (if not maybe gaining more acceptance)?
Are labels helpful or destructive, do they enlighten and unify or do they subvert and divide? I feel that they are beneficial and have written about it often times. One essay that I am proud of is: https://mhorvich.substack.com/p/loneliness-in-labels?r=3z5war
My Buddhist studies tell me that everything is "empty", has no intrinsic value, but rather we assign value based on our individual experiences, therefore all values base themselves on individual beliefs. In 2026 there are estimated to be 8.3 billion people in the world, so that would add up to many varying, changing, values in many areas of what life's existence encompases based on our individual assignment to the values in our lives.
As you importantly say, "Here’s another important caveat to consider about language and labels. Like most tools or strategies, they can be misused and/or weaponized. Language and labels are all too often used — sometimes unconsciously and sometimes deliberately — to pigeon-hole, stereotype, or pathologize. Left unchecked, our apprehension about this kind of misuse has the power to keep us perpetually closeted."
Talking about who we are, in essence "coming out", definitely is a high-stress, high-drama game, with very high stakes. My advice here comes from "Loving Someone Gay": 5th Edition, Updated & Revised by Don Clark PhD | Jun 21, 2020. He says, paraphrased here, come out to people who matter to you and do so when it matters to you. And I would say that rather than listing labels, it might be best to do this over a cup of coffee or tea and some warm, fresh out of the oven, chocolate chip cookies!
Michael, thanks as always for speaking the language of the heart. You enrich the discussion with your reflections, friend! As I said in my response to Tali's question, I don't think labels are inherently good or bad. But I do take the increase in queer identity labels as a sign that like it or not, the collective consciousness is expanding in awareness when it comes the rich diversity of queer identities. And I think that's important step to eroding marginalization. Naming things does tend to bring them into the light of consciousness. And I love the idea of doing that over a cuppa and fresh choco chip cookies! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🩶🖤🍪🍪🍪
Of course I recognize this. At one point, one of my life goals was to help create a society in which no person aged 17 would discover the reality of loving someone of my own gender with no way to describe it, no way to identify it, no book or person to turn to. This was in the olden days of books behind a desk and having to ask for them, having to read the Latin of Kraft-Ebbing to figure out what I was. I learned to read Latin fluently. I didn't want anyone else to have to do this. I'm lesbian. I was told I would go to Hell, burn for eternity for loving another woman. Now it's pansexual that's the problem. Please. There is no problem here. Let's rejoice that love exists. We love. That's enough. Let people describe what they want to. Love.
Helen, thank you for sharing some of your story here. What a powerful, perseverant story it is! Let's rejoice that love exists, indeed. Here's to a future where authentic identity is not only tolerated, but celebrated. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🩶🖤
Keith, this is so so fabulous. I love how you redirect focus to the need underneath the desire for “right” language. I haven’t thought about it that way before, and it makes perfect sense to me. It’s an option for making identity uncertainty/ambiguity/discomfort a more concrete “problem to solve,” as identity language (and language in general) can be so tricky. Thank you so much for this. And thank you, Tali, for the question.
The “wisdom” on this topic that I have to share is the framework of dialectics that Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT; the therapy I specialize in) focuses on, largely inspired by Zen teachings and principles. Dialectics, primarily, is the idea that two seemingly contradictory things can be true at the same time. But it also offers other principle: that change is constant, that change is relational, that everything is interconnected. Meditating and integrating these truths into our lives can be so helpful for metabolizing and tolerating the kinds of uncertainty and discomfort that complex queer identity exploration can create. I talk about this way more in my book, and now I’m wondering if I need to do a full post on it… But I at least wanted to offer it as a lens here, in addition to your answer. Which, again, thank you. I will definitely be integrating your wisdom into my difficulties with this experience moving forward!
Kiki, thanks so much for giving us a peep through the DBT lens on the question of navigating the "this and also this, too" of queer realities. I deeply appreciate the way in which that lens focuses on the non-dualistic nature of reality (especially when we live in a world that emphasizes dualism and binaries!). ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🩶🖤
Really thoughtful approach here 🌈🌈🌈
Thanks, Ray - glad you found it to be so! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🩶🖤
Keith,
Good to see your continuation of this column which is so helpful to so many!
I write this in answer to Tali Sarnetzky's question, which you so appropriately summarized as: "When pressed for explanations about her identity, what options might lead Tali to feel the greatest degrees of alignment with her sense of integrity, her sense of agency, her truth?" Thank you Tali for the question. And thank you Keith for your beautiful answer to maybe one of the most significant questions of the current times. And thank you Troy Ford for helping to facilitate this advice vehicle. And thank you all concerned for prompting me to set down in writing what I understand, think, and believe about this conundrum. As the king in the musical, "The King and I" would say, "Tis a puzzlement!"
Keith, you begin with "Our beloved rainbow is, alas, but a starting point and a symbol. Its limited color palette comes nowhere near representing the multiverse of queer identities. How can we possibly come up with words to convey the subtleties and brilliance of our light?"
I wonder if the increase in conversations about queer identity is due to an increased awareness, and/or an increased need to know based on trump and his minions's current reigniting of removing, retracting, erasing queer rights, also known as human rights, and our response which I call "The Rainbow Battles"?
In my day, I am now 81 years old, there existed gays, lesbians, bi-sexuals, transexuals, and transvestites. Perhaps the addition of new letters to the alphabet is a good sign that the awareness of our differences is growing (if not maybe gaining more acceptance)?
Are labels helpful or destructive, do they enlighten and unify or do they subvert and divide? I feel that they are beneficial and have written about it often times. One essay that I am proud of is: https://mhorvich.substack.com/p/loneliness-in-labels?r=3z5war
My Buddhist studies tell me that everything is "empty", has no intrinsic value, but rather we assign value based on our individual experiences, therefore all values base themselves on individual beliefs. In 2026 there are estimated to be 8.3 billion people in the world, so that would add up to many varying, changing, values in many areas of what life's existence encompases based on our individual assignment to the values in our lives.
As you importantly say, "Here’s another important caveat to consider about language and labels. Like most tools or strategies, they can be misused and/or weaponized. Language and labels are all too often used — sometimes unconsciously and sometimes deliberately — to pigeon-hole, stereotype, or pathologize. Left unchecked, our apprehension about this kind of misuse has the power to keep us perpetually closeted."
Talking about who we are, in essence "coming out", definitely is a high-stress, high-drama game, with very high stakes. My advice here comes from "Loving Someone Gay": 5th Edition, Updated & Revised by Don Clark PhD | Jun 21, 2020. He says, paraphrased here, come out to people who matter to you and do so when it matters to you. And I would say that rather than listing labels, it might be best to do this over a cup of coffee or tea and some warm, fresh out of the oven, chocolate chip cookies!
Fondly, Michael
Michael, thanks as always for speaking the language of the heart. You enrich the discussion with your reflections, friend! As I said in my response to Tali's question, I don't think labels are inherently good or bad. But I do take the increase in queer identity labels as a sign that like it or not, the collective consciousness is expanding in awareness when it comes the rich diversity of queer identities. And I think that's important step to eroding marginalization. Naming things does tend to bring them into the light of consciousness. And I love the idea of doing that over a cuppa and fresh choco chip cookies! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🩶🖤🍪🍪🍪
Of course I recognize this. At one point, one of my life goals was to help create a society in which no person aged 17 would discover the reality of loving someone of my own gender with no way to describe it, no way to identify it, no book or person to turn to. This was in the olden days of books behind a desk and having to ask for them, having to read the Latin of Kraft-Ebbing to figure out what I was. I learned to read Latin fluently. I didn't want anyone else to have to do this. I'm lesbian. I was told I would go to Hell, burn for eternity for loving another woman. Now it's pansexual that's the problem. Please. There is no problem here. Let's rejoice that love exists. We love. That's enough. Let people describe what they want to. Love.
Helen, thank you for sharing some of your story here. What a powerful, perseverant story it is! Let's rejoice that love exists, indeed. Here's to a future where authentic identity is not only tolerated, but celebrated. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🩶🖤
Keith, this is so so fabulous. I love how you redirect focus to the need underneath the desire for “right” language. I haven’t thought about it that way before, and it makes perfect sense to me. It’s an option for making identity uncertainty/ambiguity/discomfort a more concrete “problem to solve,” as identity language (and language in general) can be so tricky. Thank you so much for this. And thank you, Tali, for the question.
The “wisdom” on this topic that I have to share is the framework of dialectics that Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT; the therapy I specialize in) focuses on, largely inspired by Zen teachings and principles. Dialectics, primarily, is the idea that two seemingly contradictory things can be true at the same time. But it also offers other principle: that change is constant, that change is relational, that everything is interconnected. Meditating and integrating these truths into our lives can be so helpful for metabolizing and tolerating the kinds of uncertainty and discomfort that complex queer identity exploration can create. I talk about this way more in my book, and now I’m wondering if I need to do a full post on it… But I at least wanted to offer it as a lens here, in addition to your answer. Which, again, thank you. I will definitely be integrating your wisdom into my difficulties with this experience moving forward!
Kiki, thanks so much for giving us a peep through the DBT lens on the question of navigating the "this and also this, too" of queer realities. I deeply appreciate the way in which that lens focuses on the non-dualistic nature of reality (especially when we live in a world that emphasizes dualism and binaries!). ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🩶🖤